Companion Swap: Donna
by Drindrak
Summary: Little Crack snippets of Donna Noble and the Ninth Doctor in a sentient time machine. Series One. Part one of my Companion Swap series.
**A/N: The first episode, where the newest companion is introduced, are their original episodes (like Donna's intro ep is the Runaway Bride, so it's that here). The rest of the episodes are from the series being parodied (Series One in this case).**

* * *

Donna Noble was just a temp. Really. No reason for some man to appear on her doorstep and bleep her with his weird metal stick thing. But there he was, all weird and ears and leather, with short cropped hair and blue eyes. Quite the looker. If only he wasn't bleeping her with his stick thing. Did she mention he was weird?

"Stop bleeping me!" She smacked his hand and he frowned, but thankfully, he stopped.

"I don't get it, how do you have Huon particles inside ya?" She blinked, confused.

"Hu-what now?" He shook his head and turned on his heel.

"Never mind, they're dormant anyway. Forget ya ever met me… er…" He looked over his shoulder at her. "What's your name?"

"Donna Noble. What's yours, spaceman?"

"I'm the Doctor."

"Doctor what?"

"Just the Doctor." And then he was off, walking off her steps and into the weird blue box sitting in her front yard. With an odd grinding, wheezing, vhorp vhorp, the box disappeared.

* * *

"I looked you up on the Web you know."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"What's the web gotta say about me then?"

"Apparently, you're some time travelling, two-hearted, face-changing alien."

"…really?"

"NO DUMBO!"

* * *

There was a giant spider lady in her sitting room. Donna stared at the spider lady. The spider lady stared right back with her beady black eyes. After a moment, the spider lady hissed and began stalking towards Donna, who groaned and said,

"This is all that blasted spaceman's fault."

* * *

"About time you got here!" The Doctor looked up at the voice, and spotted a very pissed off redhead wrapped up in the Racnoss' web. He sighed.

"Of course it's _you_."

* * *

Donna panted and groaned, feeling the burn of having run through nearly a mile of underground tunnels. She glared at the Doctor, who looked perfectly fine and not at all tired.

"There, that was easy, wasn't it?" Donna's glare worsened.

"I hate you." He grinned at her and dug through his leather jacket's pockets, sticking nearly his entire arm into one. Donna rolled her eyes and looked back the way they came.

"Don't worry," the Doctor started, pulling out his stick thing (a 'sonic screwdriver', he claimed). "the Racnoss is dead and drowned. Everything's alright now."

"Right," Donna let out a few giggles. "except we drained the Thames."

* * *

"You could always…"

"What?"

"Come with me? This box ain't just for quick hops 'round the block. She's a spaceship too."

"….no."

"What?"

"Bloody hell that box thing's just weird!"

"Oi!"

"No way, spaceman! I ain't getting anywhere near your space-hopper!"

"Did I mention it also travels in time?"

"…have me back by dinner."

* * *

"Wait, so you actually are a time travelling, two-hearted, face-changing alien?"

"Yup."

* * *

"This is the day, Donna Noble," The Doctor started, glancing down at his watch. "the sun expands." Donna raised a brow and glanced out the window, just in time to see the sun burst outwards.

"Bloody hell."

* * *

"You brought me to 5.5/apple/26, and I didn't get to do anything!" Donna, slightly crispy from her near-death by horrible sunburn, leaned against one of the coral struts. The Doctor popped his head out from under the console and frowned up at her.

"Whaddya mean?"

"You got to go around saving lives and consorting with trees, while I nearly got the worst sunburn of my life!"

"Well, how about we go somewhere new then?"

"I get to choose this time."

* * *

"Am I right to assume you failed whatever sort of test you had to take to legally fly this thing?"

"Hey, I got a passing grade!...barely."

"We're in Cardiff. You were supposed to take me to Rome!"

* * *

"Gotta say, not the first time I woke up in a room full of zombies." The Doctor stared at her in disbelief and Donna shrugged. "Halloween party in 2002, that's all I'm saying."

* * *

"Oi spaceman!" Donna shouted, shoving her way past Charles Dickens and into the rather large morgue chamber. "What the bloody hell do you think you're doing!"

"Saving a few lives! It's not like we're using our dead bodies, now is it?" Donna's eyebrows raised.

"How many is a few?" The Doctor furrowed his brow in thought.

"You know, I never did ask."

* * *

"I hate you."

"I know."

"A few, you said. A few!"

"I made a mistake, sorry!"

"If I die, I'm haunting you for eternity spaceman!"

* * *

"Who was that man, anyway?" Donna pointed at Charles Dickens, who stood just outside the TARDIS.

"Charles Dickens. Donna, we went over this several times."

"Right, I know his name. But who is he?"

"Best selling author? Greatest of his time? Ringing any bells here?"

"Oh, he's that Dickens."

"How many Dickens do you know?!"

"Well, I dated a man named Dickens. He lived in Ealing."

"What happened with that?"

"Oh, I walked in on him and a few of my male friends."

"Ouch."

* * *

"This is my Grandad." Donna gestured to a wide-eyed, older gentleman. "Grandad, this is the Doctor." The Doctor grinned and waved cheekily.

"Hello!"

"Blimey." Her Grandad mumbled, staring at the Doctor in shock. And then a spaceship flew over their heads.

* * *

"Aliens!" The Doctor crooned, beaming at the TV. "Mankind's first contact! History's happening, right here, right now!"

"They crashed into the Big Ben!" Donna shouted.

* * *

The Doctor grinned at the armed soldiers aiming at them. Donna squinted through the bright light of the helicopter spotlight, seeing her Grandad and her mother trying to get past the line of soldiers to her.

"Take me to your leader!" The Doctor's grin widened at Donna's unamused snort.

"Talk about cliché, spaceman."

* * *

"Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North." The older woman said, flashing Donna her ID. The redhead rolled her eyes.

"Yes, I know. That's the third time you introduced yourself."

* * *

"Well, aren't you big green and ugly." Donna said, eyes roving over the group of ugly green aliens standing in the doorway.

"You dare mock the Slitheen!?"

"Is that what you are? Rubbish name that is." Donna smiled innocently at the aliens. The Doctor sighed.

"Donna, just, stop talking for a moment. Shut up."

* * *

"Don't you dare Doctor!" Donna's mother shouted through the phone. Donna just barely heard her Grandad sigh. The Doctor frowned.

"That's just it, Sylvia. If I don't, everyone on Earth dies." Donna looked at Harriet and gestured at her ID. The other woman blinked in confusion, staring dumbly at her ID. Donna glared at her and gestured much more impatiently at the ID. Harriet's mouth opened in an O shape as she finally caught on. She flashed her ID.

"As the only Elected Official in this room, Doctor, I command you to do it."

"Yeah spaceman, get it over with." The Doctor glanced between the two, before his gaze settled on Donna.

"You don't even know what I need to do."

"Ugh, spaceman, look, do you want me to be sappy about it?" He cocked his head to the side. Donna sighed. "Dammit spaceman, I trust you." He smiled.

"Fantastic. Alright Wilf, here's what ya gotta do."

* * *

"We blew up Downing Street." Donna said, eying the rubble that was once 10 Downing Street.

"Yup." The Doctor grinned.

"…well, we should probably skedaddle then?"

"Yup." He grabbed her hand. "Run!"

* * *

"A museum, really?" Donna shot him an exasperated look. "You bring me to the near future. You could have chosen literally anywhere else, but, nooo, your stupid Time Lord brain thinks, _'I know, let's bring Donna Noble to a bleeding museum!'_ " The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"Yes Donna. Those were my exact thoughts."

* * *

"What," Donna started, staring at the weird metal thing. "is that?"

"That," The Doctor sneered. "is a Dalek."

* * *

"I'm gonna touch it."

"Donna, no."

"You can't stop me."

" _Donna!"_

* * *

"Donna!" The Doctor shouted into the phone. "Donna, where are you? Did you make it?"

"…sorry." His hearts dropped. "I may be a super temp, but I'm also super slow when running."

"Donna-"

"Look spaceman, Doctor, it wasn't your fault, got it? It wasn't your fault." He heard her chuckle. "You know what? I wouldn't have missed it for the world, spaceman."

" **EXTERMINATE!** "

* * *

" **OPEN THE BULKHEAD OR DONNA NOBLE DIES!** " The Doctor beamed at the screen.

"You're alive!" He laughed as she rolled her eyes.

"Can't get rid of me."

" **OPEN THE BULKHEAD!** "

"Anytime now, spaceman."

" **WHAT USE ARE EMOTIONS, IF YOU WILL NOT SAVE THE WOMAN YOU LOVE?** " The Doctor choked on air at the accusation.

"The woman you _what?!_ " Donna shrieked, spinning on her heel and smacking the Dalek, who rolled back in surprise. "Not in your lifetime spaceman!" Donna glared at the camera.

"My thoughts exactly Donna!"

* * *

" **ARE YOU AFRAID, DONNA NOBLE?** "

"A bit, yeah."

" **SO AM I. EXTERMINATE!** "

* * *

"We should bring pretty boy with us." Donna said, and the Doctor raised a brow.

"What for?"

"Eye candy."

* * *

"They got doors in their brains."

"Thank you Madame Obvious."

"No, seriously, doors in their brains!"

* * *

"Cathica," Suki smiled. "I'm going to miss you." She looked at the doors to the elevator, then at the Doctor. "Floor five hundred, thank you!"

"But I didn't do anything."

"You're my good luck charm!" She opened her arms for a hug. The Doctor grinned and hugged her.

"Oh, I'll hug anyone!" Donna scoffed.

"Not me, spaceman."

"I wasn't asking for your input, Donna."

* * *

"I blame you for this." Donna said, shaking her manacle clad wrists. The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, what else is new." The Jagrafess above them roared. Donna looked up at it and then back at the Doctor.

"Any ideas on how we're going to get out of this mess?"

"Nope."

"I should have guessed."

* * *

The Doctor snapped his fingers, and Adam's brain door opened. Donna giggled.

"Stop that!" Adam said, snapping his own fingers.

"Stay out of trouble, pretty boy." The Doctor said, entering the TARDIS. Donna hesitated a second, before she snapped her fingers.

"Hey!"

"Sorry, sorry, couldn't resist."

* * *

"Doctor." Donna began, entering the console room. The Doctor looked up from his repairs.

"What is it Donna?"

"Well, say I went back in time and prevented my Grandmum's untimely death. What would happen?"

"Reapers."

"And those are…?"

"Bad."

* * *

"What have we learned?"

"Not to go back in time and prevent someone from dying."

"And?"

The Doctor is always right about those types of things and I, Donna Noble, should always listen when he tells me not to do something while we're in the past."

"Fantastic."

* * *

"Hello Sexy." Donna purred, making a clawing motion at the rather handsome captain who saved her. He smirked and waggled his eyebrows.

"You're pretty sexy there yourself."

* * *

"Right, well, Doctor," Donna began, her ears picking up on the fact that the tape had ended. "if you sent the child to it's room…" His eyes widened as he realized what she was hinting to.

"This is its room…" They all turned to the bed tucked away in the corner. The gasmask wearing child was there.

"Are you my mummy?"

* * *

"I bet you can't dance."

"I can so dance, Donna!"

"Then show me your moves, spaceman."

"I'm trying to resonate concrete here!"

"And you're failing horribly."

* * *

Donna picked up one of the gasmasks laying around and held it up to her face.

"Doctor," She started, and he turned to face her. "Are you my mummy?" He nearly jumped out of his skin and Donna burst out laughing, dropping the mask as she went.

"That wasn't funny Donna!"

* * *

"Oh, Donna! I just remembered!"

"What?"

"I can dance!"

* * *

"I was having such a nice day, too." The Doctor groaned.

"What?" Donna asked, looking up from her chocolate sundae. He held up a newspaper. "Oh."

"Who's that?" Jack asked.

"That's a long story." The Doctor muttered. Donna nodded.

"Yeah, and it involves sending a missile to blow up Downing Street."

* * *

Margaret the disguised Slitheen ran away and used her Teleport. The Doctor flicked his sonic screwdriver. She reappeared, running towards them. Eyes widening, she turned and ran away again, again using her Teleport. The Doctor once again flicked his screwdriver. Donna giggled as the process repeated, over and over.

"This is fun."

* * *

"She turned into an egg?" Donna asked, poking the egg that had once been Margaret the Slitheen.

"She looked into the Heart of the TARDIS." Donna eyed the egg for a moment, before turning to the console. "No, Donna."

"You don't even know what I'm going to do."

"I know _exactly_ what you're going to do."

* * *

" **You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.** " Donna frowned. The Ann-Droid raised its laser gun.

"Damn."

* * *

"Ooh, Daleks!" Donna grinned. "You know, I touched one of you guys. It turned good. Well, actually, it became more evil. But it had _emotions._ " She reached for the nearest Dalek as the TARDIS materialized. "Lemme touch you."

"Donna, no." The Doctor said, exiting the TARDIS. Donna raised a brow.

"You gonna stop me, spaceman?"

"Yes."

* * *

"Doctor?" Donna shouted through the TARDIS. "Doctor, my finger's going numb! How long do I have to hold this for?" Donna frowned when he didn't respond. "I'm letting go!" She let go of the button, and the TARDIS began taking off. "Oh no you didn't spaceman!"

* * *

 _Golden light. Looked into the TARDIS. TARDIS looked back. Pain. Brain burning. Super loud singing. Someone shut it up! Jack alive again, gotta keep his sexy ass around longer. Doctor, safe. He totally owes me one now. Mwahaha, I am a God!_

"I think you need a Doctor."

 _Wait. What is he- oh hell no! No no no, I just got this power dammit! I wanna keep being the Goddess of Time dammit!_

* * *

Her head hurt worse than the hangover she got when she went on a four day bender with Jack and she downed seven shots of Hypervodka in a row. What did she do last night?

"Donna." The Doctor's strained voice interrupted her thinking. She sat up off the floor and looked at him.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you glowing?"

"Donna, do you remember?"

"Well, I remember this really off-key singing. It sucked." The TARDIS rumbled, almost angrily. The Doctor chuckled.

"Don't insult the time-and-space ship."

"Sorry."

"Oh, Donna Noble. I was gonna take ya to Barcelona. The planet, not the city. They've got Noseless Dogs!" Donna raised a brow.

"So why don't we go?" He shrugged.

"We might. Won't be like this though." He gestured to his face.

"You're making less sense than usual." He grinned.

"Oh, I might never make sense again!" He held onto the console. "Bit dodgy this process. Never know what ya gonna end up with." He doubled over in pain.

"Doctor!"

"Stay back, stay back!" He clutched his abdomen.

"What happened?"

"I absorbed the Time Vortex. No one's supposed to do that."

"Can't you do something?"

"I'm doing it right now."

"Really? Because it looks like your just dying."

"Oh, Time Lords have this trick. Kinda a way to cheat death. Won't look like this anymore. No more of this daft old face."

"Sounds cool. Can you teach me?" He snorted.

"No way." The Doctor grimaced and stood straight. "Before I go, Donna-"

"Don't say it like that!" He blinked.

"Like what?"

"Like you're never gonna see me again." He smiled ruefully.

"Not with this big-eared, daft old face." He chuckled as the glow surrounding his extremities brightened. "Donna, before I go, I just wanna say, you were fantastic. And you know what?" He at grinned widely. "So was I." And then he exploded.

* * *

"New teeth, that's weird."

"You _exploded!_ "

* * *

"Are you not going to question the fact that I literally changed my face?"

"Oh, I'll get to that. I'm a bit in shock."

"I see."

* * *

"So…"

"Barcelona?"

"Barcelona."


End file.
